Every Time I See You
by kayleigh-amandamealing.co.uk
Summary: Holly Miles - Characters except IrisRebeccaJordan belong to the BBC.


"Welcome to BT Call minder. You have one new message and one saved message. First new message..."

_"Is this Holly Miles? My name is Rebecca Kay, I saw your story in the paper and traced you through the hospital."_  
"Oh did you really, so much for privacy."  
_"I just want to say I know exactly how you feel."_  
"Of course you do."  
_"You see I used to know Tom Harvey, he did it to me too."_

Holly stopped dead.

_"I never came forward when he did it, not even when I read about it in the paper, I'm still scared even to this day, six years on."_  
"Join the club" Holly muttered.  
_"I just thought if you ever needed to talk to someone who understands, I'm here."_

Holly listened to the young female voice leave her phone number and address. She was numb. All she could think was that she wasn't the first, she wasn't alone in this. The answer phone went on to her second message, her comfort message.

"Hol, its Patrick. Where are you Holly, everyone's worried. Call me, please. You know where I am. Love you."

It had been hell trying to get that message transferred from her old answering machine to the new one. She ended up ringing up her own number and playing the message down the phone just so she knew that she could hear Patrick's voice whenever she needed to.

Whenever she listened to it she swore she wouldn't again. It reminded her of times when she was close to him, when she only had to pick up the phone and he was there, times when her world felt complete. But it also reminded her of times when she wasn't alone. Times when there was also Tom, creeping around her. The worst night of her life when Tom drugged her but also the night she held Patrick in her arms and nothing could take him away from her.

But it did. She ran away to Germany. She couldn't bear to be in the same country as Tom, even though she knew he was dead and that he couldn't get anywhere near her again. She couldn't face going to work everyday, in that same place, the place where she nearly died. If Patrick hadn't been there, she dare not even think about it. She couldn't stand having to work with everyone looking at her, whispering about her, continually asking if she was all right, if there was anything they could do for her.

Holly wasn't the type of person who shouted at people but there were times when she could have easily snapped at them and told them to leave her alone. All she wanted to do was get out of there. She wanted to be alone.

But even when she left she wasn't alone. Two things followed her. The ghost of Tom, the haunting images when she slept, the echoing of his voice when she was alone in the house. The other thing she carried with her was the secret she never told anyone. The secret she kept for as long as she could until she had to leave. It was the biggest decision of her life but she couldn't keep it a secret forever, so she left and took it with her.

The secret she kept from everyone who knew the old Holly had just walked into the room. Two days early and she would have been born on a ferry from Zurich, and what a name that would have been. In fact she had been born in a small local hospital very close to where Holly herself was born. Inspired by Holly's love of flowers the secret had been given the name Iris. Iris Louise Miles.

Holly couldn't find it in herself to give Iris the surname she truly deserved. The memory was painful enough without being reminded everyday of that night. Iris was her little girl, no one else's. And she was perfect. Nothing could make her anything but perfect. She had her father's eyes. Deep and brown. She had Holly's long dark hair and caring nature.

When she was born Iris had the blondest hair, but she had obviously inherited the brunette gene from both her parents as just after her first birthday, as if overnight, her blonde hair gave way to the most beautiful wavy dark hair. To Holly she was the most beautiful baby she had ever seen. But she wasn't a baby any more.

Iris toddled over to Holly and stuck her arms out in front of her. Holly obligingly scooped up the little girl and covered her face in kisses.

"We're going on a little trip sweetheart. We're going to see an old friend of Mummy's."

Iris's childlike giggle swept through Holly and for the five seconds it lasted she felt as she always did, like nothing could hurt her again.

"Go and get your dolly while Mummy packs some clothes."

Holly listened to the message again and scribbled down the address on the back of her phone bill. She then ran into her bedroom, the one she shared with her daughter, and threw some clothes into a bag, she packed just the bare essentials, she didn't know what to expect from Rebecca.

A thousand thoughts crossed her mind as she rooted through Iris's drawers looking for a matching skirt and jumper. Would she have anything in common with this Rebecca, had they been through the same thing or had Rebecca read an exaggerated version of events in the newspaper? Holly hadn't read anything about it. Patrick had kept all the news cuttings in a file for her in case Holly had ever felt the need to go back over it.

He knew that is was almost certain they would just get thrown away but he knew that he had to do it. Holly had surprised him before with her actions, why shouldn't she do it again? He had never thought she was the type to run away. Holly was usually so strong and could deal with anything. Patrick knew deep down that she was just like him; strong on the outside while she was falling apart on the inside. That was exactly how he felt when she left.

Five minutes after entering the bedroom Holly ran back out and found Iris sat by the front door brushing her doll's hair. She was so carefree, nothing could touch her. If only she knew the truth. If only she could understand what her mother was going through.

"_And I don't want the world to see me, 'cos I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am." _**(Iris - Goo Goo Dolls)**

Holly had discovered the song just after Iris had been born, it was fate. She didn't usually like that sort of music, the noisy stuff with no tune. But this time she was wrong and she loved it. The lyrics fitted perfectly with her story, and the title, it was unexplainable. Holly loved the song from the very first time she heard it and she had played it so many times that Iris could say some of the words herself. As it was Iris was sat in her car seat, strapped into the back of the car as Holly drove down the motorway heading for Bristol.

She had thought of nothing else since getting Rebecca's phone call. She knew that this was something that she had to do, for her own sake and for Iris's. If she didn't do it she knew that she would regret it forever and once again her life would revolve around "what ifs". That was something she couldn't bear to do again.

When she left Patrick for the first time, she lived her life wondering what if. What if she had told him how she truly felt? What if she hadn't left? If she had stayed with him. What if he had told her how he felt? What if she wasn't the type of person to run away from the situation she felt out of her depth in?

But life was too short for Holly. She did what she felt she had to do and that was that, no going back now. It seemed to Holly that her life was one long cliché. She'd been in a situation for every wives tale. A book of clichés and she had a story for everyone.

She was a single parent, she had been stalked, she had been in love, and she'd fallen out of love. She'd fallen in love again. Her previous experience prevented her from revealing her true feelings. She had so many regrets about what she should have done, could have done, and would have done given her time again.

But Holly wouldn't change the past. She had her beautiful daughter by her side and the lessons she had learnt were invaluable. She had learnt to be self-sufficient. That she could cope with everything life threw at her. That she had people to stand by her through thick and thin, admittedly she didn't always let them help but it was comforting to know they were always there.

She had hated leaving Patrick but the truth would do him more harm than good. She had to keep Iris a secret from him. Her daughter meant the world to her and she didn't want to hurt anyone else. She was Holly's daughter, not anyone else's. They coped more than well on their own and that was the way Holly liked it. As soon as she arrived back in England six months after leaving for Germany she went straight back to her family.

Her parents were so supportive to her but she couldn't rely on them forever. Holly had been independent since going to medical school, why change the habit of a lifetime? So she moved up to Manchester with Iris and got a job working as a locum in an Accident and Emergency department just outside the city centre. It was a modern hospital and they understood that Holly had a daughter and no one else. They were extremely flexible and valued the time Holly could give to them.

Iris loved nursery and was positively blossoming into the polite, caring little girl her mother had been twenty-odd years earlier. And now she was sitting in the back seat of the car relaying the story of Cinderella, with noticeable gaps, to her proud mother.

Holly listened patiently and ooh-ed and aah-ed in the right places. Iris was glowing with excitement and peals of laughter rang through the car as she finished the story with, "They were all happly ev after."

Just as Iris started on a new story Holly pulled into a small quaint road in the suburbs of Bristol. The house was pretty enough and in a nice area. Holly stepped out of the car nervously and plucked Iris from the confines of her car seat. She walked over to the front door and tapped lightly.

Subconsciously she was praying there was no one in, now she had reached Rebecca's door she wasn't sure what she was doing here.

The door opened slowly to reveal a petite blonde woman holding the hand of a young boy, he looked about six or seven years old and Holly instantly recognised his distinctive features. He had exactly the same eyes as Tom Harvey. She knew she had got the right person.

"Um, I'm Holly. Holly Miles."

The young woman merely nodded her head.

"I recognise you from the newspaper, although you're much prettier now. And who's this little cutie?" Rebecca murmured stroking Iris's rosy red cheek.

"This is Iris, my daughter. Is it ok that we're here?" Holly asked, a little apprehensively.

"It's great, well, I'm glad you've come, I just… I guess I wasn't expecting you so soon. Come in."

Holly stepped in and helped Iris up the small steps leading to the front door. She wiped her feet on the doormat and looked around. The kitchen was small, about the same size as her own. The pictures on her walls were very similar to those on Holly's. Pictures of family, Rebecca and the young boy, playing in the park, on holiday smiling. It made Holly on edge.

"Those are great pictures, he's a lovely looking boy."

Rebecca blushed slightly. She looked down at the young child and ruffled his hair.

"This is Jordan. I think you know whose he is." Rebecca blushed again. "So, would you like a drink, does Iris want some orange squash or milk?"

Holly nodded and sat down at the round kitchen table. Jordan had taken Iris by the hand and led her over to a large pile of toys by the door. She was clutching onto her doll but gradually she was starting to play with the toys. Holly smiled and accepted the coffee offered to her.

"I suppose I should explain."

"Seven years ago I met this guy. Funny, charming, attractive, intelligent. I thought I'd found the real thing. Then I got a new job and it was quite bad hours, a lot of shifts, I'm a nurse you see. We drifted apart and I settled into my new job well. Then strange things happened. I got some phone calls, no one spoke, I started getting anonymous letters, flowers, gifts. That was when I got suspicious. I had no family in the area, not many real friends, they were all back in Leeds. That's where I trained originally."

She took a long gulp of coffee and brushed the hair from her face.

Holly nodded. "It was virtually the same for me, the flowers, notes and everything."

Rebecca carried on, "It got really scary. It got to the point where I hated being in the house alone, I hated working the night shift in case he came to the hospital and there were no crowds of visitors around to notice anything. I couldn't go to the police, I didn't want to admit what was happening. It sounded so pathetic. I know it isn't pathetic, it's the most terrifying experience I've ever been through, but explaining to someone that you don't like getting flowers and presents, I just cold not think of anything worse. But then one night, I was walking home on my own, just from the end of the road, the bus stop you passed as you turned in, he was there, he was waiting for me. He knew I was alone. He barged in. He… he…"

Tears started to run down her cheeks. Holly reached across the table and held her hand.

"You don't have to tell me everything. I think I understand."

Rebecca shook her head vehemently. "This is the first time I've ever told anyone, I need to do this for myself, and for Jordan." She brushed the tears from her cheeks and continued quietly. "He barged his way into the house and started kissing me… He was so violent, I'd never seen him like that before. All of a sudden he was making me drink something, I don't know what. It must have been drugs of some sort because the next thing I remember is waking up in my own bed. My hair had been washed so I guess he must've put me in the shower but I still felt dirty. I knew straight away what he had done but I didn't do anything, I didn't know what to do. I just broke down. I called work and told them I was sick and I was. I couldn't think of anything apart from what he had done to me and it made me physically sick. I cried all the time and I couldn't think straight for about, well, a few weeks. I just cried and slept. I didn't eat or drink much, whenever I did I just threw it back up again. That's when I started thinking straight again. I knew even before I did the test, I knew that he had made me pregnant. I could feel it. I did a home test, I couldn't face going to the doctors, I thought that he might do an internal exam and find out what had happened. I don't know why but I didn't want anyone to know what he did to me. I just wanted to forget about it and not think about it ever again. The test confirmed what I already knew deep down, I knew that I was pregnant but for a few weeks I didn't want to admit it. But it happened and there was no way I could have an abortion, even knowing how it happened. I had to keep the baby no matter what the circumstances and I know now that it was totally the right decision to make. And then he was born, almost exactly nine months after April 26th 1996. And he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I would not be without Jordan for a second; I couldn't even start to imagine him not being here. And then seven and a bit years later here we are. I had almost forgotten it ever happened. Of course every time I see Jordan I remember but I've done so well convincing everyone I meet that he is the product of a silly one night stand in a club one night stand, sometimes I even believe it myself I've said it that often. I know that sounds really silly but it's easier that way. Tom Harvey hurt me so much and I'll never forget or forgive him for that but he also gave me my reason for living. If it wasn't for Jord then I doubt I would be here today either."

"I'm so sorry" Holly whispered, a solitary tear rolling down her face. "I'm so, so sorry."

"Why?" Rebecca half laughed. "It's not your fault. You didn't st… you didn't do it to me."

"I know but still… I understand how you feel. I mean not totally but I understand."

"Not totally? Isn't Iris…?"

"No", Holly said quietly. "She's mine. She belongs to me and only me, we don't need anybody else in our lives. My story is practically the same as yours to start with; the flowers and notes. But I'm sure you have read all the details in the paper. I haven't seen any of it myself but I know people have told me that some of it was exaggerated beyond belief. One night, I'll never forget it, he took me. He took me to an old, dirty, disused wing in the hospital and he tied me to the bed. I'll never forget the look on his face, it was evil. I knew that he thought he loved me but I couldn't understand why he was doing this to me if he loved me. It scared me that if he could do this to someone he loved then what would he do to someone he didn't like, or worse, someone he hated. But at the time I couldn't think of anything but myself and how scared I was. Nothing is ever the same as lying there thinking how long you have until he kills you. And it wasn't long. He made me… Calm down Holly. Deep breaths."

Now it was Rebecca's turn to reach across the table and squeeze Holly's hand. She smiled gently and urged her on.

"Thanks" Holly whispered. "He made me put on this long silver dress. He made me get all dressed up but I couldn't do it. I couldn't pretend to be all happy when it was the most petrifying time of my life. In the end I did something, I just lashed out and kicked him. I was on shift so I knew someone would miss me, and the place where I work, it's very busy so I knew there would be someone around. I didn't know what to do so I just grabbed a chair and threw it through a window, I just needed to let someone know where I was. I screamed for help. It was then I felt Tom behind me, he had a syringe, he drugged me too. But he didn't just mean to knock me out, he meant to kill me."

Holly gulped back a sob and took a swig of the now lukewarm coffee. As it ran down her throat it made her feel easier, whoever heard of getting Dutch courage from coffee?

"I don't know what happened next, I was unconscious for god-knows-how long. The next thing I knew was Patrick, the registrar in my old department, lying by my side. I just clung to him, I didn't know what else to do. I held on for what seemed like a lifetime, I was so grateful that he was there and he had saved me. I went outside and I saw this thing on the floor, I couldn't make out what it was, it was just a shape. I walked away with Patrick and they took me up to the ward. I just kept asking about Tom and what happened to him. It took Patrick two days to tell me. He was terrified about what it would do to me, he told me afterwards that he couldn't face hurting me anymore than I had already been hurt."

"But…" Rebecca started.

"I know, how could news like that hurt me? I don't know, but Patrick knows me, knew me." She said wistfully. "And he was right. It did hurt me. But only because I knew that he would never be rightfully punished for what he did, and I would never get an explanation. As much as I tried to reason it myself, I could never even come close to understanding why he did it."

Rebecca smiled at Holly, her understanding eyes and warm smile making all feeling of apprehension and nervousness melt away. Holly felt completely ease and a sense of complete relief washed over her as she realised that Rebecca understood fully, that she knew perfectly what she had felt, what she was feeling now and she didn't have to pretend to comprehend what Holly was saying.

"It's over now Holly, for both of us. Tom can't hurt us anymore. He is never coming back and he can't touch you, Iris, Jordan or I ever again."

They both grinned and Rebecca stood up. "Come here."

She enveloped Holly in a warm hug and simply murmured, "It's over."

They both walked into the sitting room and found Jordan quietly playing with a jigsaw and Iris asleep under a small blue quilt on the sofa.

"So whose is she then?" Rebecca asked quizzically.

Holly smiled at the baby sleeping peacefully on the sofa and simply said, "Mine. She's all mine."


End file.
